Broken hearts and souls litter the pathway behind every red-hot Narcissist who usually walks ahead, proudly unscathed, whilst everything else is in chaos and burnt to the ground. Dating one of these creatures often results in years of therapy and confidence rebuilding- but its more than about manipulation and outrageous vanity (although they do have these traits in spades) – at the core of a Narcissists’ makeup is the complete inability to put anyone or anything ahead of their own needs!
Is it always their way or the high way? Have you given up on expressing your own needs? Are you feeling belittle and broken? You could be dating a Narcissist – read ahead to avoid further heartache!
Sign #1: It’s all about me, me and…..yes! more me!
The narcissists’ favorite topic is – of course – themselves and they never let the facts get in the way of a good story. If someone has won one Nobel Prize they will match it with three and a Pulitzer for good measure. They tend to have had a humility bypass and crow on about possessions, holidays and career titles. Unfortunately, the smartest of them are also entertaining storytellers so people listen to the same improbable narratives time and time again without questioning and without vying for conversation time.
“It worked out very well for a while there because we were both in love with the same person” – ex Narcissist dater.
Sign #2: They have a scary ability to manipulate you without even realizing it’s happening.
One of the most dangerous things about the narcissistic personality is their ability to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. The ground work is often laid early – they shower a new love, boss or colleague with compliments which always have an agenda. Its even possible to get a little fake humility sprinkled into the mix.
“He told me my cooking was something he loved about me. He said he was embarrassed about his own skills and had never had good home cooked meals as a child. I ended up feeding him seven days a week and the compliments slowly turned into criticism” ex Narcissist dater.
Sign #3: Their attention is fleeting – it’s like their somewhere else.
Watch them carefully – are their eyes unfocused and darting around the room? Do they remember the details of your last date? Sometimes the Narcissist is having an internal dialogue trying create a plausible back story, sometimes they are trying to locate people who have more useful information or higher status. In the early days of dating many lavish attention on new prey but watch out for a growing disconnect, and because of their insatiable need to feel relevant, don’t be surprised if every tweet and Facebook post is responded to – even in the middle of lovemaking.
Sign #4: They’re a total sore loser when they don’t get their way and they hate being told ‘no’.
Narcissists are not team players and don’t understand the concept of “Taking turns”. They also can’t abide events that diminish their status – like losing in sport or failing to get a promotion. Expect a grand inquisition, or worse, appalling behavior that makes two-year-old tantrums look like 30 minutes of zen mediation.
“They took her favorite berry soufflé off the menu so she lay on the restaurant floor kicking and screaming – demanding they fly in berries from France!” ex Narcissist dater.
Sign #5: They’re a total commitment-phobe.
Now this of course isn’t to say that all commitment-phobes are narcissist but it is true that the majority of narcissists are unwilling to commit – however, the ones that do may simply be after status or financial gain. Faithfulness and truthfulness won’t come easy either and you may find that radical plastic surgery is the only way to avert your used-by date. Check to see how many ex partners there are and if there’s a type – legions of blond 19-year-old supermodels might be a sign to exit quickly.
Sign #6: A faulty and sometimes improbable back story that keeps changing.
Okay – so one minute they were born into abject poverty and the next they’re from a long line of Russian royalty. They’ve have more careers than you can count and there are awards and degrees that you’ve never seen proof off. If the timeline keeps changing and the events seem too fantastic you could either hire a Private Detective or kick your potential narcissist to the curb before mental fatigue sets in.
Sign #7: They are forever chasing instant gratification.
If your partner is constantly chasing short-term fixes of instant gratification then this is, yet again, another big red flag that you are dating a narcissistic personality. Maybe they want that shiny red sportscar but they want it now. A Narcissists lack of impulsive control and need for immediate gratification will often result in dodgy financial loans or scamming love ones for money.
“She told me she had a life threatening medical condition and there was a radical new treatment in California. I leant her the money and she stopped all contact – she then posted pictures of a shopping spree in Paris.” ex Narcissist dater.
Sign #8: A sense of undeserved entitlement… about everything.
Do they constantly expect special treatment and act as if people should roll out the red carpet for them everywhere they go? Do they automatically make demands from people whom they don’t know very well or who don’t “work” for them in any way? If you answered yes to all of these things then there’s a very good chance that it’s because you’re in a relationship with a narcissist.
Sign #9: A lack of respect for the rules.
Narcissists don’t like rules – particularly when they are bound by ethics. The lines become particularly blurry when there’s a shortcut to success and financial gain. If your partner seems to always know a way to circumvent restrictions and regulations and thinks laws are made for everyone else – get out quick to avoid being implicated in some get rich quick pyramid scheme.
Sign #10: They will diminish your success.
Narcissists are fiercely competitive and expect all praise to be directed straight to their own shiny countenance. When first dating they will be attracted to your success and status and make you feel like simply the most amazing person on the planet. But continue to get more attention and advancement and they’ll quickly have you second guessing your worth and capabilities.
“Every promotion I got he’d have some smart back handed reason as to why I didn’t get it solely on merit – perhaps it was to fill gender quotas or because someone better had left the company a few months earlier. I ended up feeling like a fraud” ex Narcissist dater.
Sign #11: They have a grandiose personality.
Does your partner seem to constantly think of themselves as if they are some of kind incredible genius who is better than or above other people in some way? The most narcissistic personalities always have a strong element of feeling grandiose – as if they are truly special and unique from the rest of the world. At first their unnerving confidence will make you think they are always right and superior – after a while it might just become sad and pathetic.
Sign #12: They relate more to things than people.
Narcissists love symbols of affluence and success. It’s a bit of “You show me yours and I’ll show you something better”. They may possess an extensive knowledge of brand names and latest gizmos and gadgets but care little about form or functionality. If your date has more photos of luxury items than friends and family you may want to consider your willingness to take second place to the latest iPhone.
“This guy I was dating had his house built as a replica of the Taj Mahal – it was the ugliest most ostentatious thing in the street but he saw it as a landmark of his superiority.” ex Narcissist dater.
Sign #13: There are huge gaps in their everyday knowledge.
Now – here’s a bit of a sneaky one if you want to gauge the level of Narcissism in your gorgeously powerful and seemingly Godlike new partner. Do they know where Africa is? What’s their take on climate change? How many Kardashians are there? If it doesn’t affect a Narcissist directly they won’t be interested which means, despite coming across as initially brilliant, they often have a cavernous black hole in their general knowledge. Keep prying and you may reconsider who’s actually the smart one in the relationship.
“I use to wonder why none of my friends wanted to sit next to #### at functions. Afterwards they told me it was because he was as dumb as dogshit. Couldn’t believe I once though this guy was a genius!” ex Narcissist dater.